Our Healing Birth Story

Our healing birth story

There are few events in your life, which no matter what came your way, you'll never forget. The birth of your child fortunately or unfortunately is one of those. Birth and how women experience it and view it has a profound psychological affect on us. We can feel anything from completely broken or violated to entirely empowered and treasured.

After my first birth with Leo (read out story here), I Knew I never wanted to do it again. I came away from it being terrified of birth, not trusting my body, feeling ill equipped, and trampled down. It. Was. HARD and I THOUGHT I was prepared. Ha!

I did not plan for this birth much differently, but I did however concentrate on a few key things that I felt made his birth, recovery and breastfeeding more difficult.

Throughout the entire pregnancy I was too terrified to think about the fact that I was going to have to birth another baby and mainly, not know how it was going to all play out. The fear of the unknown is debilitating. I had so much anxiety. I was, however, able to find some comfort in my midwife.

She was firstly trained as a nurse at Vanderbilt, then became a doula, and finally a midwife. Her background would soon prove to be ever so important.
We chose to hire her, specifically because she did have a background in medicine but she was awakened to the holistic lifestyle, so to speak. From the very first meeting, I knew she was the one. She exuded confidence, while still being realistic. She made me feel safe and even when she had nothing to say or didn't have the answer to my question, just her comforting arms, understanding eyes, and listening ears were just what I needed. I want to shout her name from the rooftops. She is my hero. I LOVE MY MIDWIFE!!!!!!



Sunday afternoon, February 19, 2017 (41 weeks & 4 days)

I was starting to get a little anxious about the fact that we were closing in on two weeks over my due date (I'm sure of dates because I know 100% when I conceived), especially since Leo was born 41 weeks to the day. I also noticed that little lady baby hadn't moved much the entire day. I mentioned my concern to my midwife, John and Ruth (SIL). We decided the best option was to go in to the hospital for monitoring. Ruth came with me, as I did not want to drag Leo to the hospital. They hooked me up to the monitor and performed an internal check. 1 cm dilated and 40% effaced. They were really pushing for an induction since I was over 40 weeks but I declined. I wanted to go into labor naturally, as there was still a part of me that knew that my body knows how to have a baby. Monitoring proved my feelings correct. She was not very active, and her heart rate was 20 beats below her baseline. She was always at 150-155 bpm but most of the time being monitored she was around 125-130. It was still within the range of normal, but not for her. We were worried.
We ordered an ultrasound, specifically to check cord length and placental grade (being that we were so close to 42 weeks we wanted to make sure it hadn't started to calcify). We all kind of thought maybe the cord may be too short or tangled,  not allowing her to move down into the pelvis and push on my cervix, to start labor, as gestation periods are usually the same, +/- a couple days. After the ultrasound, we returned home.

The plan was that we would hear back about the results in the morning. Since she was still within the range of normal and did not seem to be in any obvious distress, we felt comfortable enough to go home.

Monday, February 20, 2017


That morning I called and proceeded to have the scan sent to my midwife. We discovered that they told us nothing about the cord and did not grade the placenta, which were the two things I specifically requested. The problem was, that we were going to base our next move on those two variables. The only useful piece of information we obtained was that my amniotic fluid levels were low, which is either a sign that labor is very close or the placenta has started to calcify - which is very bad. But because we did not know the grade of the placenta, there was no way to know which one it was. The rest of the day I took note that Arrow was still not nearly as active as her usual self. I was in constant contact with my midwife and arranged for her to come over that evening and talk about our next step. Also, she  wanted to listen to Arrow's heart tones during contractions. I took a shower at around 7 pm and noticed that the contractions (which had been for the past week 15-30 minutes apart off and on) were now closer to 7-10 minutes apart. My midwife arrived around 730. She checked me and I was 2 cm and only 50% effaced. I was a little disappointed because I had been having some major lighting crotch (cervical ripening). We discussed where to go from there. We all did not feel comfortable going past 42 weeks. So, we knew that by Thursday we would have a baby, one way or another.

My midwife determined that her heart tones and movement were not reassuring and we decided after she left that night that we would go ahead and transfer to hospital. It was a conservative transfer but a transfer none the less.

The plan was that we would go in and try to jump start labor with cytotec (cervical ripener) and if that didn't work, jump straight to a c section, as we did not want to try pitocin since she was already not seeming to handle "fake contractions" very well. Pitocin contractions are harder and faster and we felt it would put her into distress that would end with a cesarean, anyway.

John and I sat together in Leo's room and said a prayer asking god to assure us somehow that we were making the right decision, that he would bless this process and that by some miracle I would go into labor within the next couple hours. We started to put Leo to bed and get ready to leave.  I went to empty my bladder. As I stood up I felt a little trickle. Nothing new. Sometimes you leak a little pee when you're pregnant! Don't act like that's never happened to you!! However, the trickling continued...
I went to John and said that there was no way I leaked This much pee since I had just emptied my bladder. I instantly knew it was amniotic fluid. I was so happy! God had literally, INSTANTLY answered our prayer!

Sure enough contractions picked up to about 4-6 minutes apart and I was breathing through them. We finally left for the hospital Aroung 10 pm.

We arrived and they checked me and said my midwife was generous and that I was only about 1&1/2 cm dilated and 50 effaced. , obviously I was in active labor, so they moved me to a labor and delivery room. The doctor told me I wouldn't be able to use the labor tub because she was not active at all and they needed the have constant monitoring on her. That was somewhat disappointing for me.  By this time (midnight), my doula and midwife had arrived.

I assume because there was a lot going on, my labor stalled and contractions were about 6-8 minutes apart. Around 2:30 I told my midwife that I thought it would be a while and that she was welcome to go home and try to get some sleep before things started. As soon as she left (of course), contractions picked up and "active labor" started.

This is where things get really exciting. 😁

When I had discussed my fears about with with my midwife, the forerunner was definitely tearing. I had 3rd degree tears with Leo and was terrified of that happening again. We had made a plan that I would try to birth on my side (gravity neutral position so she wouldn't come out too fast), with a peanut ball between my knees to keep the pelvis open and not push at all. Fun fact: due to the MFER (maternal-fetal ejection reflex) a mother should never really have to ever actively push her baby out. The uterus will do all the work for you. Pushing can actually most of the time cause more delays in getting baby out and reduced oxygen to the uterus and baby.

What was exciting was that I instinctively wanted to be in that position when it came time to birth. Any mama that has given birth knows you can plan all you want but when it comes down to the wire, you never really know what you'll want or need during labor and delivery.

Coping with contractions during Leo's labor was much different than with Arrow's
With Leo, I was in a tub, leaning over the side, laboring, holding and squeezing my midwifes hands, Getting louder as each contraction reached its peak, literally crying out to God. I didn't move around much. I also threw up. For his birth I was in a deep squat being held up by John until he moved in to catch Leo.
With Arrow, I felt much more comfortable to listen to my body (and stronger physically). I moved around a lot. Changed positions, moved from birth ball, to bed, walking, tried the toilet, and eventually ended up on my hands and knees on the bed pushing against John as if I were pushing him away. Just before I knew she was really close to being here, I moved to my side. Vocalisations were the same, aside from crying to God. I didn't throw up but felt as if I would, most of the time. One saving grace was that Vandy has gas and air (laughing gas) available for birthing mothers. It's absolutely harmless and never reaches baby. At first, it did take the edge off, but after about 3-4 contractions it was no longer what I would call "pain relief". More than anything it helped me keep my breathing slow and steady, which this time I had a harder time doing.

The nurse that was in charge of our care told us that they would just leave us to let us do our thing. Obviously, she would be keeping an eye on baby the whole time, as she did require constant monitoring, since she was still not active. Having that for this particular situation helped me to relax. If there hadn't been a concern about her activity and heart tones we wouldn't have transferred and I wouldn't have felt I needed to have constant monitoring on her to feel safe.
I was checked around 4 a.m. and told I was at 8 cm dilated and 90% effaced... my first thought was, "that was fast!". They pretty much left us to our own, as we were declining everything they offered which did not make them happy at all. I did however agree for an I.V port. If that was the only intervention I got, I was fine with that. Plus, I wanted to get them off my back.


They came back about an hour later to check me again and told me I was the same, (Mind you, this was close to 10 minutes before Arrow was born). They left us once more saying it would be a while longer. My darling midwife came over and whispered in my ear to listen to my body and that I was much closer to having her and that she could tell by my vocalisations that I was further than that.

February 21, 2017 - around 5:00 a.m

Contractions were one on top of another at this point. I felt Arrow moving extremely low into the birth canal. I told my midwife after a particular productive contraction that, quote: "with this next contraction her head is coming out. She's right there, I can feel her, she's so low. This next one her head is coming!" I was really excited because I felt so much more aware and in charge of this birth that I had with Leo's. I knew exactly what was going on. My midwife asked if I wanted her to get the doctor. I just said, "nahh let's just have a baby and then be like, oops... she came so fast. I feel safe with you here and John. We wouldn't have done it any other way if we were at home."

Sure enough, the next contraction hit and I was fighting the urge to push. I tried to relax into each sure. Oh it was hard!!!!
I delivered her head. I just knew it. I tried to gather the words and spit them out, but all the hormones, endorphins and just trying to come back from the intense pain that I had just endured, it didn't seem I had enough time between the next surge to tell them, HER HEAD IS OUT!! I couldn't even formulate words in that moment. I think Megan (my doula and friend) realized I was trying to tell them something and she told John to look under the blanket. "Oh, oh... OH!" Was his response. She had her cord wrapped around her neck 3&1/2 times,and around her arm. John, not wanting the midwife to get in trouble told her to get the doctor. She leaned out the door and said "we have a baby!" To which nurses and doctors came rushing in. I had told them previously that I did not want anyone besides one nurse and the doctor in the room during delivery. Obviously, they didn't like that and tried to justify each additional persons need to be in the room. 🙄 The doctor got behind John and coached him through what to do. He (the doctor) had to manually turn her so her shoulders could be born. She was not able to turn herself because of being so tangled up. He tilted her head back and pushed her back against my coccyx (which is when I screamed), it was the most painful part of the whole ordeal. I was positive I tore in that moment. All of this happened within seconds. Everything was happening so fast. With the next contraction her body was out. She was blue and gasping for air. John held her as the doctor unraveled the cord. It was not even pulsing because she had already recieved all the blood from the placenta and cord during labor. The reason was, that the placenta had detached already (which shouldn't happen until after birth). Only because of it detaching did I go into labor. She was so tangled up that she was being held to high to move down into my pelvis and push against my cervix enough to initiate labor. This also explains her lack of movement. She was pretty much tied up. Had labor been any longer, she may not have made it, being that she was already trying to breathe.

John caught her and looked at her for a half second. Her eyes were wide open and her daddy is the first face she saw. John quickly put her on my chest and I immediately started balling. John became very emotional as well. It was a beautiful moment.

Our little Arrow Eden Langham born 5:14 A.M 2/21/2017. 7 lbs 5 oz,  18 & 1/2 inches, after only 2 & 1/2 hours active labor! 🙌🏼🙌🏼 A prefect little lady baby. She looked JUST like her father! 💘

Unfortunately, it was cut short by nurses trying to "clean" vernix off of her which I immediately told them to stop.
She shortly let out a few whispers and cries and started breathing and pinking up wonderfully! She latched to the boob straight away. I was overcome with relief and emotion. Leo wouldn't latch for 24+ hours and as many know my breastfeeding journey with him was one problem after another, ultimately ending shortly after he was born. I felt so guilty and extremely saddened over it. I even considered relactating when he was 6 months old. I was determined for it to work this time around, or die trying. So, when she fed instantly and perfectly, it was a dream come true!

Immediately after she was born they started working on getting the placenta out and checking for tears. Everything came out in one piece and I had NOT A SINGLE tear!!!!! 🙌🏼🙌🏼🙌🏼 I was in complete disbelief but sooooooo thankful! I cried so many tears of joy that day. It went better than I ever thought it could have. Even the best possible scenario I had in mind was exceeded. We didn't need any cytotec or anything. No interventions, no tears, no pushing, short labor, no hemorrhage, and feeding right away!!

She was nearly 2 lbs lighter and 4 inches shorter than Leo. A Petite little lady, she was. She had actually stopped growing around 38 weeks, for what ever reason. My midwife weighed her before she left and had her at 7 lbs 7 oz.


We were moved to a recovery room shortly after. I told John to go home and nap. I felt so good! I was so happy with the birth. I felt empowered, and more importantly, HEALED. I felt in a complete state of bliss - largely different than I felt coming away from Leo's birth. It was an absolutely wonderful birth in every way. Even though it did not go exactly to plan, I honestly wouldn't have wanted it any other way! Everything that happened and what we ended up having access to, that we other wise wouldn't have had, was perfect for this birth scenario.
I got some breakfast and continued to feed my baby girl for nearly 4 hours. After that she napped for 5 hours. I didn't get much sleep due to doctors and nurses constantly coming in and trying to get me to put her in the crib and not have her lie in bed with me. They weren't particularly fond of the fact and I told them no. I couldn't get any sleep however. If I had fallen asleep they would have taken her out of my sight, probably to the nursery and given her who knows what borage of chemicals. Because of certain medical tests I declined during my prenatal care with my midwife, the hospital staff tried to tell me that I was not "allowed" to leave until 48 hours after birth, but I know better! 😉 They came up with oodles of excuses and "tests" they needed to do. But I fought back. The fear mongering there is no joke. They tried to tell me that my baby would die and much more horrible things. I told them my midwife would be picking up where we left off and I wanted to be discharged as soon as possible. I spent 5 straight hours on the phone with 10+ different people trying to have a peaceful discharge. Eventually they agreed to my request but not until 10 pm that evening was everything finally in order for us to leave. It was an ordeal to say the least. In and out of the hospital in less than 24 hours!

To conclude; it was a magical, emotional, and empowering experience. Right after, I told everyone in the room that if there was a guarantee every birth here after was like that, I would have 10 more. Don't get me wrong! It was HARD!!!!! The first thought I had after I delivered her was, "that was so so hard!" I even think I may have whispered it under my breath. I always have a moment just before my babies are born where in my own mind I fight with myself. I think, "why on earth do I do this to myself?!??!! I could just get an epidural and be done with it!!!!!!" But then they are born and it's all over so quickly and I am so glad it did it the way I did. Women, especially mamas are strong!!!! 💪🏼 I've even amazed myself in these moments. John also has expressed his awe, respect, and amazement
for what the female body is able to do.

We've added another precious and irreplaceable piece to our family. We are growing and learning how to adapt to this new change. As of now, (6 weeks post partum) we are all doing great! I was able to get up and clean (again drastically different from my experience with Leo) the next day. Arrow is a feeding champ!! She has a slight upper lip tie but nothing worth doing anything about. It's very manageable for me, pain wise. We've been dealing with some tummy trouble due to my strong let down and her swallowing air, but it's getting better. To date I have I've 8 gallons of breastmilk in the freezer and even more that I have pumped, due to Leo still taking a large bottle in the evening. But hey, if it's mamas milk, I don't mind one bit!

She was at 9 lbs 4 oz and 21 inches in her 6 week birthday. Almost up to what her brother was at birth. 😂 She's been rolling over nonstop since 4 weeks. Holding her head perfectly since birth and scooting with her legs since 5 weeks. She sleeps 11 p.m - 7 a.m and then 8 a.m - 11 a.m. most nights.

We are exceedingly thankful to God for our sweet baby Arrow! She is such a sweet little thing and has a calm, mature spirit. We look forward to seeing her evolve into her own personality and watching her mature in Christ.
Blessings and thanks to all for every kind word and gift. We are abundantly blessed!

💘🦁

Why We Do Not Post Pictures of Our Child on Social Media

We as a family have decided not to post any content of our little one (I.e photos / videos).

A lot of people may not understand the exact reason. I'm writing this to explain our view point.

We by no means think we have it all figured out and we are just beginning this parenting journey, but we do not take it lightly. In our opinion, practically determining the outcome and course of another humans life is an insane responsibility that we feel is way too important to just "wing it". The most important thing a parent can do is educate themselves.

If anyone knows me (Nikki) they know that I research everything. I like to take a basic psychological approach to parenting and the result could be defined as attachment parenting. Attachment parenting (AP), a phrase coined by pediatrician William Sears, is a parenting philosophy based on the principles of attachment theory in developmental psychology. According to attachment theory, the child forms a strong emotional bond with caregivers during childhood with lifelong consequences. Sensitive and emotionally available parenting helps the child to form a secure attachment style which fosters a child's socio-emotional development and well-being. Less sensitive and emotionally unavailable parenting or neglect of the child's needs may result in insecure forms of attachment style, which is a risk factor for many mental health problems (e.g. depression, anxiety and eating disorders).

Because of this approach, we have looked into everything we do and question mainstream parenting in every aspect. I mighy get alot of flack for this, but I feel that the way a child turns out on a basic level is completely and entirely, 100% the result of how that child was parented. In other words, good or bad, it is the parents who are responsible.

Basic human psychology shows us that, in order for a child to grow into a healthy, balanced, confident, and independent adult they need certain major things during childhood. At the top of the list is a SENSE OF Control. When children are lacking in this, recurrent power-battles ensue, in the form of tantrums, rebellion, and general misbehavior. Misbehavior isn't only caused by a lack of control, but also a lack of healthy attention, (but that's another rant for another day).

Children don't need to be controlled or trained, (they aren't animals). They don't need to be told what, where, and how to do everything. They need to be able to make their own decisions (informed and guided, of course). They need to be gently guided and taught the right way by example.

Autonomy is a huge part of children having control over their own lives. Autonomy, by definition is,  1. n. The power or right of self-government; self-government, or political independence, of a city or a state.

1. Noun. Self-government; freedom to act or function independently. ¹

2. Noun. (philosophy) The capacity to make an informed, uncoerced decision. ¹

3. Noun. (mechanics) The capacity of a system to make a decision about its actions without the involvement of another system or operator.

Basically that leads into body autonomy. Which is, having control and the right over your own body. This is why we choose not to tell or force Leo to give anyone hugs or kisses. We ask him if he wants to, and if he does... Great! If he doesn't, then we respect his wishes. It helps keep children safe from predators, too. We want to teach our children No one can touch them without their permission.

But back to regular autonomy and how its related to photos on social media.

The main reason we choose not to post pictures is because of something we like to call image autonomy. It is the same as "my body, my choice" (body autonomy), only "my image my choice". We believe that Leo is the only person who has any right to his own image... Whether he wants to post it or not. Until he is of an age/maturity where we feel he can make an educated decision and understand the consequences of those, we think it is the right decision to abstain from posting anything about him.

Also, in the future, those pictures that we find so cute could be embarrassing to him. When something is on the internet, it's there forever... Which is another reason we wish not to post.

We, just like any other parents, would love to post pictures anywhere and everywhere for the whole world to see our beautiful baby, but we respect him and his future right to choose.

Reason number 2: It’s the only way to defend him against facial recognition, Facebook profiling, and corporate data mining.

We completely understand other parents’ desire to capture their children's everyday moments, because early childhood is so ephemeral. We also think about the  broader impact of creating a generation of kids born into original digital sin.

Last week, Facebook updated its privacy policy again. It reads in part: “We are able to suggest that your friend tag you in a picture by scanning and comparing your friend’s pictures to information we’ve put together from your profile pictures and the other photos in which you’ve been tagged.” Essentially, this means that with each photo upload, parents are, unwittingly, helping Facebook to merge their children's digital and real worlds. Algorithms will analyze the people around them, the references made to them in posts, and over time will determine the children's most likely inner circle.

That's just a bit scary if you ask me.

However, there’s a more insidious problem, though, which will haunt our children well into adulthood. Myriad applications, websites, and wearable technologies are relying on face recognition today, and ubiquitous bio-identification is only just getting started. In 2011, a group of hackers built an app that let you scan faces and immediately display their names and basic biographical details, right there on your mobile phone. Already developers have made a working facial recognition API for Google Glass. While Google has forbidden official facial recognition apps, it can’t prevent unofficial apps from launching. There’s huge value in gaining real-time access to view detailed information the people with whom we interact.
It has yet to be seen how today’s toddlers will deal with their inherited online identities as teenagers.

Reason number 3: We cannot control everyone's privacy settings.

We don't personally know who is on each persons friends list. There are some disgusting people out there and its better to be safe than sorry.
I've been told many times, "oh he's going to encounter bad things, pollution, and terrible people throughout his life, why so trying to protect him now is pointless."

Ah-ha, touché, my friend. Your logic is pointless. That's like saying, "oh he's going to burn himself at some point in his life, so why not just throw him into the fire, now...".

Reason number 4: We want to keep some things private.

The fact that there are people who would go against a mother’s wishes just blows my mind.

Friendships can end and relations can turn frosty when people differ on who can share a child’s images online. Message boards like those on BabyCenter are full of posts from parents venting their frustration about the issue.

“My mom… thinks it's her ‘right’ to share her photos so she can ‘brag’ about being a grandma,” one user wrote in a thread titled, “I hate Facebook. Stop posting pics of my baby!”

“It’s just so frustrating to me to think hundreds of people are viewing my newborn in our home with my husband and son, etc. when it's a private and personal time for us.”

Our opinion is that not everything needs to be broadcasted on the internet.

We live in such a self centered age where one can find oneself posting  and dangerously looking for self confidence in social media affirmation.

We do not yet know how this age of media exposure will affect our children in the future. We, for one, have made our decision on the matter. Some people may not like, or dare I say, *approve* of our choice, but we seek no mans approval. We only answer to God, and therefore watch out decisions very closely.

We request that friends and family please consider our wishes and not push the matter.