**Disclaimer: I'm going to be talking about and describing some pretty intense and graphic things. Don't read this if you are easily offended or have a weak stomach.**
11:00 a.m - 12/24/2014
I was laying in bed after John had left to work with someone, watching some videos on YouTube, (I know... Very productive). It was in the middle of watching that I noticed I had been feeling about three or four regularly intervaled cramps. I wondered if this could be more pedromal labor like I had felt a few days ago. I decided to time them and sure enough. I texted John around 12:30 saying "Hey im having 45 second - 1 minute contractions every 3-6 Minutes. Very tight uncomfortable pain in my back and belly gets hard.. Kind of menstrually feeling crampage... Doesn't hurt so to say but I do have to breathe through it...". I was supposed to go looking for a nursing bra with my mom around 2.
I should mention, I was in a FANTASTIC mood this entire day. I felt like everything was okay with the world and nothing seemed to bother me.
My mom and I headed out for what we thought would be a day of window shopping and other shenanigans. I continued to have the contractions about every 6 - 7 minutes. We were browsing through old navy and my mom kept talking about how I was in labor and letting all the employees know as well. It was pretty amusing but I was enjoying the sympathy, to be honest. :)
After no success at old navy, (for some reason that was the only store in the area without a maternity section...!?) we decided to check kohl's where we had a lovely discussion with an older lady about the benefits of an unmedicated home birth. Still no success finding a nursing bra, though. On our way out I felt a... Gush. I told my mom, "So, I either just peed myself a little or my water is leaking." We both chuckled a little after which she urgently felt the need to take me back home. I, on the other hand, felt no rush and wanted to do some more wandering about.
4:30 p.m.
Mom and I arrive back at my house and John is home. They proceed to discuss how I was probably going to have Leo by the morning. I just shook my head in disagreement, not really being able to actually grasp the idea of actually giving birth. I honestly didn't think I was in real labor. It felt very real but I couldn't wrap my head around the idea of not being pregnant anymore. I had been this way for 10 months now.. I didn't even remember what my stomach looked like not pregnant.
Our plans for the evening included going to my parents house to spend the night. John left the decision up to me and I told him I still felt up to go, so we started to clean up the house a bit.
Starting at 6 p.m I was glued to the toilet... ridding my body of everything I had eaten for the past 10 months, (or so it seemed). By 7 p.m. I was still going back and forth trying to decide whether it would still be a good idea to go or not. The "rushes" started becoming more intense and closer together so I texted my midwife and asked her how I would know if I was in active labor. This conversation followed...
Me: "At what point will I know if I'm in active labor?? These are becoming Almost unbearable." (I had my sister in law bring down one of her kittens, which surprisingly offered some pain relief)
Midwife: "So general rule of thumb, at least 4 minutes apart , 1 minute long, for 1 hour. When you are having to work through them and really can only rest in between."
I then sent her a picture of my contraction timer for an hour with contractions lasting a little over a minute... all between 1:30 and 3:45 minutes apart with the caption, "like this?:)"
Midwife: " Yes:). When nothing else is working, you could have John start filling tub. "
Me: "Okay! I'm going to try a shower here in a minute and see what that does."
I proceeded to shower.. Still doubting the authenticity of my labor and hopping out every few minutes to greet the toilet again. Labor is so glamorous, isn't it?!
After the shower did nothing to slow/stop contractions (which it would have in the case of false labor) I think I realized I was probably going to be giving birth soon. I yelled to John from the bathroom to go ahead and fill the tub with water as he had already inflated it.
10:30 p.m. - At this point I decided it was no longer a good idea to stay at my parents house for the night.
11:00 p.m I had been corresponding with Erin, (sister in law) for a while, keeping her updated on the progression and decided now that John was not available to apply counterpressure, it might be a good idea for her to head over. The rushes had become VERY intense and I moved to side lying on the bed, (which didn't last for long). I was still in an excellent mood between contractions and was doing an excellent job at breathing slowly through them, if I may say so myself. :) By this time, though, I became very weak and was no longer able to text my midwife so, Erin ended up taking over that task.
I suddenly got very sick to my stomach and asked John to bring me a bucket. John was also running back and forth from the bedroom, (where the birthing tub was set up and I was laboring) to the kitchen trying to boil large pots of water to put into the tub while also every 2 minutes running to my aid to apply counterpressure to my upper back while Erin applied it to my lower back.
I proceeded to throw up everything I had eaten before I showered... Which really upset me because I really enjoyed that meal but I did not feel the need to taste it again!!
I then moved from the bed to my yoga ball and leaning over my mattress.
12:30 a.m - 12/25/14
Erin messaged the midwives and let them know that things were progressing and that we were probably ready for them to head our way.
1:30 a.m. - The midwives arrive and I request to be checked immediately. They were more than happy to do so and to my surprise... Told me I was already at 9 centimeters!!! (10 is when pushing is best/allowed) So, counting active labor starting at 10:30 p.m... It only took 3 hours to get to 9 cm!! I was in total disbelief!
I now knew I was going to have my baby very very soon and it was exciting. I was never really afraid through any of labor. I felt very relaxed and at peace. I did my low toned grunts through the rushes and I was great in between. :)
Even through the intense rushes, I was still very concerned about John and Erin and making sure there were snacks for everyone.
Right after the midwives checked me, I decided it would be a good time to get in the pool. I was very weak so I needed assistance getting in. Once I was in, I felt the rushes weren't as bad. I still had a small cervical lip but I was getting urges to push. I tried to resist them because I wasn't sure if I was at 10 cm or not.
About 2:00 a.m. - The midwives checked me again and told me I was at a 10 and a go for what ever I wanted to do. I was so excited at this point and just kind of let go a little bit and let my body push just a tiny bit. I wasn't actively pushing, so to speak but just relaxing. Mind you, the contractions were extremely strong by this time and I really had to concentrate. They were almost unbearable, (I'm sure I started transition at this point - which is supposed to be the most intense but shortest part of labor.. Average of 20 minutes of insane contractions, one on top of the other). Little did I know it was about to get a whole lot worse...
The midwives continually monitored Leo's heart rate and I noticed they were passing around concerned looks. In a normal delivery, the baby's heart rate rises a bit during a contraction and then returns to normal between. Leo's heart rate was up in the 180 - 190 bpm range, (130 - 160 is normal). They asked me to get out of the tub and try a few pushes on the toilet.
Once I got out of the tub I realllllly felt the true intensity of the contractions. Who ever said labor isn't painful is obviously missing part (or all) of their mind!!!!!! John and Erin had to basically carry a half naked me (again, so glamorous...!) to the bathroom and hold me over the toilet.
I have no more shame.
But that was the least of my concerns. I was still in a great mood. :)
Wisely, no one let me in on the urgency of the situation, at hand. All I knew was that his heart rate was staying elevated and it wasn't what we wanted.
After two seemingly ineffective pushes on the toilet, I made my way back to the birthing pool. I had another contraction and right after I felt a huge pop, (It kind of spooked me). My face must have told the midwife what happened because she informed me that my water had just broken. I felt like it was so loud, but no one heard it happen.
(I will add, I think the reason it took me so long to accept that I was in labor was because I never had the impeding signs of labor - bloody show, water breaking, losing mucous plug, etc.)
After a few more listens to his elevated heart beat, the midwives decided something needed to be done.. And fast.
They asked me to get out of the tub, (NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!) and sit in a deep squat holding myself up between John's legs and "focus strongly down"... Or push like it's all you can do... Which it was.
So let me just say... I was doing soooooooo well with breathing through contractions, using low tones to keep my muscles relaxed but from here on out, it was literally the most insane, intense, extreme, mind shattering pain I have ever felt in my entire life!!!!! I don't think there are words to describe the pure agony that labor and delivery are... But I still wasn't afraid. I knew my body was made to do this... Doesn't mean it was a walk in the park by ANY means.
I started pushing extremely hard three or four times with each contraction. I was also so exhausted during this time, I couldn't move my own limbs.
After a while of pushing he finally started to crown. The midwives asked me to reach down and touch his head. It felt so wrinkly. :P
Between some pushes I needed to stand up and lean over. I felt a bit panicky during this time. I would feel him come down a bit and then shrink back up and I was convinced he wasn't able to come out and they were going to cut me. :(
Between exhausted mini naps and my eyes rolling back I caught concerned looks being passed between the midwives, John, and Erin. I thought for sure they would suggest to transfer me to the hospital, any minute. Things were not processing as quickly as they should have.
After a while longer of seemingly ineffective, excruciating, and intense pushes, they asked John if he wanted to catch Leo. We had originally planned for him not to have to actually see any of the actual baby coming out but now the idea seemed quite beautiful. In a single moment, we both knew that it was okay...
John moved in front of me and one of the midwives took his place, supporting my weight. Within several contractions his head was out... Which was the strangest feeling in the world!!! The only way I can think to describe it is.. That its like the biggest and most painful poop you've ever taken!!!! As his head and shoulders were emerging, I could no longer maintain my composure. The previous low tones through pushes turned into high pitched screeches and screams.
Then all at once... After two hours in transition... I felt Every bone and joint of his chubby, big boy body come out and there he was...
It was finally over... I had my baby boy in my arms, on my chest!!!!
He came out looking quite blue and extremely cone headed... I remember saying how uncute it was.. Hahaha. But I instantly fell so deeply in love with him, nonetheless. ❤️
Throughout pregnancy, I remember not being able to imagine the thought of something... Someone having my features and coming from me. I couldn't even begin to wrap my head around what he might look like.
3:50 a.m - December 25th, 2014
He was so beautiful, so innocent, so... Truly... Prefect.
An amazing 9 lb 2 oz, 22 inch, baby boy. Leonardo-Marcel Langham.
I thought I would cry, but honestly, I was too exhausted to cry. That, along with trying to get him to breathe and getting a shot of Pitocin because my placenta wouldn't detach brought me right back to reality. Things happened pretty quickly after that.
I started bleeding out alot and ended up losing quite a substantial amount. Shortly after I delivered the placenta, the midwives informed me that I had pretty bad tearing and that they would need to do an exam to see the extent of the damage.
Meanwhile, I tried to get little man latched on but couldn't hardly hold up my own arms, let alone a 9 lb baby. I struggled for a bit but just couldn't get it. I gave him to John so the midwives could do the exam.
3rd degree tears... And other lacerations. Great. I'm not sure why I thought this would be easy. For those of you who need a picture reference, Google it. There are 4 degrees of tearing.
The exam was so painful.. The midwives said they could easily stitch me up but the pain relief they had was not as good as the hospital's. By this time my pain receptors were shot. I was DONE with pain. We collectively decided the best option was to go to the hospital.
4:30 a.m Immediately, I got dressed and we headed for the hospital. We were there till about 9:30 a.m. I had a rough time there. They doctors and nurses were great, but I had lost so much blood and I was so tense and the pain was unbearable. I felt like a had a softball between my legs and peices of flesh hanging off of me. It was miserable. They had to give me several numbing shots to the affected area.... Can you say... OUCH?!???!!
10:00 a.m.
We got home and tried to settle in. I was very worried about my little man because he had not yet eaten anything. He was still unable to latch. By evening time, I decided to pump and try to feed him what I could get through a bottle nipple. This seemed to work but he still had a weak latch. I was just happy he had something in his system!!
Over the course of the next two weeks breastfeeding became increasingly more difficult. Everything that can go wrong, did.
I ended up with cracked and bleeding nipples, having to use to nipple shield (for other reasons), getting mastitis and thrush along with having to have Leo's lip and tongue ties fixed. Plus waking every 2 hours to feed isn't optimal either. Add that to not being able to even walk on your own because of insanely low iron levels. It seemed by the time he was ready for another feeding, we were just getting back to bed.
Oh the things we do for our babies. ❤️
I don't think anyone could have prepared me for how really difficult, physically, mentally, and emotionally it is to have a baby.
The first two weeks were soooooo hard. I spent many days and nights just crying out of pain (breastfeeding is painful!!!) and frustration. All I could physically do was lay in bed. I couldn't even go to the bathroom by myself. I was sick to my stomach constantly and was having continuous rushes of anxiety. It was very hard. It has only been in the past few days that I have been even able to hold my own baby boy.
This whole experience has really forced me to rely solely on Jesus. I absolutely could not have done it on my own. It has humbled me and exposed my human weakness and my desperate need for a savor. I thank God every day for entrusting John and I with such a prefectly beautiful child. ❤️
In the end.. everything is sooooooooooooooo worth it. There is nothing I wouldn't give for our perfect baby boy!!!
Through this all, John has shown me a side of him I had not yet seen. He cared for Leo and I so diligently, throwing his needs by the way side. Waiting on us hand and food. Cooking, cleaning, changing all the diapers, (I recently have gained the strength to change a few) waking up with me every time Leo needs to eat. He loves his baby so much and it melts my heart.
Through the birth he was there for me in every sense of the word. He was my rock! Supporting and loving me through it all. He has truly seen me at my very worst and I feel he loves me more. I certainly feel my love for him has grown so much and changed. I appreciate him so much more. I realize that I'm not the only one sacrificing things. He is the epitome of a man!!! He is so strong, giving, gentle, and selfless. Truly the best man I have ever known and I am so blessed beyond words to call him mine. ❤️
In conclusion, it was a very traumatic birth. Nothing went as planned, but I'm okay with that. :) God is renewing his strength in me every day and the good news is Leo never lost any weight. He gained 6 oz in the first week. God is good and he can use any situation to reach someone else.
